It's so hard to believe that Jesse is really gone. My first love, my first serious relationship, my first in a lot of things... is gone. I can still remember when we first met, or the first time we hung out, I never enjoyed a trip to Costco so much in my life nor laughed so much in my life. He was so intimidating with his tattoos and bald head and rough look, but deep down he was a big teddy bear. I won't ever look again at a call to see that Jesse’s name is flashing on my cell phone. I won't ever hear his Cartman impersonation again. I won’t hear all of his strange goofy voices again. Jesse is gone.
He is in heaven! He is no longer in pain. He is whole! Yet the sadness I feel is so overwhelming at times that I just cry. I should be happy for him. I feel so selfish. And it’s hard to grasp that someone so full of life is now gone. He was still so young. I am grateful that things between us were good. We were cordial and friendly even when our relationship ended on such a negative tone. It's hard to grasp that I will never see him again. I don't know how many times I will see a bald head and for a split second think its Jesse.
I wish with all my heart that I had more time to spend with him. It's been an emotional day and a half. I have shed many tears. I cried myself to sleep last night. Sometimes just thinking about a particular memory and realizing we had some really awesome times just makes me cry. He always made me laugh so hard. I never imagined that I wouldn’t have the opportunity to talk to him again. I feel like I let him down by not being closer to him, like I should have called him instead of always just letting him call me. But then I am grateful that he would call me. That he thought enough of me to give me a call or to wish me a Happy Easter which I am so saddened to say was one of the last times I heard his voice.
I have looked through the pictures throughout our relationship. I haven’t looked through his cards and love letters; I think it would be too emotional. I have Orenthal Wantsomemore the Orangutan stuffed animal he brought back for me from one of his trips. I am really glad I kept them. I will always have them as a reminder that I was a big part of his life for a time and he was a HUGE part of mine. He was my ‘everything’ for over 4 years.
Jesse, I will miss you. And the part of my heart that I gave to you during our relationship is still yours. I never realized how much so until your death.
posted by Charity at 5/14/2006 05:09:00 PM 
