Man, its been an emotional week for me. I haven't been sleeping very well. I stay up way too late; either because I've been busy or I'm checking for any updated pictures or stories of Jesse, or looking back through all the pictures I have of our time together. And when I am lying in bed it seems that my mind always goes back to Jesse. I have cried myself to sleep almost every night since finding out he passed away.
The other night I guess I was in the masochistic mood and went through the box of stuff he gave me. I have the concert tickets of Sevendust and Korn that he took me to. I have a bunch of Solid Mind recordings. I even went through the "letters". I am a person that keeps every little piece of paper and Jesse would come to my office and when I wasn't looking flip through my sticky pad and leave love notes and one random day I would get to the one he left for me. There was one particular letter that he gave me on Valentines Day 2001 and I couldn't even get through it because my eyes were too filled with tears. I have a couple of his drawings. If I ever got a tattoo, it would be one of his drawings for me! He was going to help draw up my sisters tattoo, if he had that would have been something to cherish!
Looking back at the pictures of Jess and me, I'm struck by how young I was when I was with Jesse. He has been apart of my life for about the last 8 years, almost half of that time we were in a relationship. There was a 10 month period where we didn't talk because of the painful breakup. But in 2003 I remember seeing him on the freeway heading down to work after the 10 month mark of not seeing or talking to him and I remember he looked over and waved at me. Shortly after that we actually were able to talk through all of the hurts of the breakup. But with as much of my heart that I had given to him, he and I both knew I wasnt quite ready to stay in close contact with him, (as most people know it's easy to just let your heart slip right back into his hands) but I still am so appreciative for that time of being able to open up and heal the wounds. And since then I would always get a call whether he was in the hospital or just hanging out at home. I still remember when he called to tell me he was diagnosed with Primary Pulmonary Hypertension. I was in shock and didn't quite understand how serious it was.
The most common memories of Jesse other then his goofy voices and faces were when he would be in my car and I'd be stopped and he'd slip my car into neutral without my notice. Or he'd take the cover to my overhead light off and hide it in random spots and wait for me to figure out it was missing, this could take days! Haha I have the first picture he ever sent me of himself when we met online. A mutual friend had been chatting with him and the night before we had both been to the same battle of the bands. So she gave me his ICQ number and we started chatting. The first time I ever saw him I was at my office and his band Solid Mind was going to be playing at my church and he was going to pick up the flyers of the show. We had decided at that point to hang out and I had to go to Costco and he decided to go with me. And as I've said before, I never enjoyed a trip to Costco so much in my life! I was laughing the entire time. I remember the day we both admitted to having feelings for each other. I had tried to hook him up with my friend and realized I was jealous. It was Superbowl Sunday and I was driving him home. My window had been smashed out and I was pretty upset but he was really there for me. I told him that I was happy that he and my friend seemed to be hitting it off and I just asked him not to forget me. At that point he admitted he didn't want my friend but wanted me but figured since I was hooking him up with my friend I didnt want him! He teased me mercilessly for that all throughout our relationship. I deserved it! What was I thinking!? I am so blessed to have been a special part of Jesse's life. I am blessed that I was allowed into the deepest part of his soul. I love that man! And will continue to love him through eternity!
I am just so thankful to everyone that has taken the time to tell me either how much Jesse loved me, or how highly he talked about me. I appreciate the moments I've been able to share with his family this week. I have so many wonderful memories of Jesse. I look forward to seeing him again!
I will leave you with the many faces of Jesse... Enjoy!
(Imagine Jesse giving a goat sound for the image below! HA!)
I love you Jesse! Thanks for the smiles! :)
posted by Charity at 5/17/2006 03:20:00 PM 
