These are my thoughts; though they may be public domain, please have enough respect and understand that they are mine and are not for the use of your own deviant agenda.
What an unexpected day all around! Full of emotional ups and downs. I had a fairly mellow day at work. I had some projects for accounting to do so I was able to focus on those since it was so quiet. My friend James met me for lunch! It was great to see him. It's so odd to have only seen him in person twice but to feel I know him so well! I guess 8 years will do that. I was bummed when my time was up and I had to get back to work. I really appreciated that he came out of his way to meet up with me even if it was only for my hour lunch break. Thanks James!
So I've been struggling with some insecurities in the last few days. Not sure that I want to share them at this time, but I'm too awake to get to sleep even if it is 1am. Mostly it’s about feeling rejection from a number of people in my life, and yes mostly men. I have been fighting some negative thoughts about how I feel the people in my life view me. I'm tired that I don't have someone for me. Yes, I stood in my sisters bathroom tonight thinking to myself, damnit how selfish can I be?! I felt like I was in a full on pity party (ok so I was). Yet, it's true. I have people in my life that enjoy my company, yet aren't really there for me. I am the one pursuing the friendship or I feel interrupted when I try to share or that what's going on in my life is trivial in comparison to what's going on in theirs. It’s something I've suppressed for a while with these certain individuals. I guess today was the straw that broke the camels back.
I want to be valued, appreciated, even to know that I'm someone of interest to others. I know it's their loss. Sadly most of them I can explain away. I make up excuses for their behavior... repeated behavior! But I know I'm worth something. I'm worth making an effort to get to know. I'm interesting and lovable and have a lot to offer. I'm not talking about a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. I'm talking just in friendship! Again, it's their loss. I want to say well that's it, I'm done trying, but being the silly people pleaser that I am, I don't see that happening but I do plan on making some changes.
I'm ahead of myself. So after work I head up the 15 through holiday Vegas traffic. I'm a little frazzled as I have been all week driving with a bunch of people that decided never to drive on the roads until Christmas comes around and have forgotten how to drive! Yes, I admit I have a road rage problem! But anyone that commutes knows my pain! Christmas sucks because it brings people out that aren't very used to freeway driving. I thought driving with a bunch of commuters was bad, nope! Non-commuters are the worst! They screw up the flow of traffic! Oh yes, I could go on a mile long tangent about the stupid drivers of the world but that isn't what I feel I need to get off my chest with this post.
I get to my parents place for the Christmas party and walk into hell! That straw... well it opened its mouth the moment I walked through their front door. Sadly I lost it. I was pissed and really just wanted to leave. I went up to my sister’s bathroom and just started crying... all the fear and rejection came flooding to the surface. Not from that one person but the others before. All the horrible insecurities I'd been trying to fight the last few days, maybe even weeks, boiled to the surface and I sat there wishing, hoping, for anyone to show any sign that they cared about me... Cared what was wrong, why I hadn't walked in my normal jovial self. No one came. I didn't give them much time. I was fighting to suppress the tears as quickly as they came. I went downstairs and even tried to let it go. It didn't work! I wanted to scream and tell someone to come rescue me from these emotions. Come tell me that I'm loved and accepted just as I am. Tell me how these stupid little people aren't worth my concern.
People tried. Rashaell made a valiant effort to let me know I was loved. But God knew what I needed. My best friend Rachel came to my rescue. She came over, gave me a hug, let me vent about the silly little things on my heart that I just wanted someone to listen to all the way through without interrupting with their own issues, someone to care enough to be there for me and not themselves. She was the one. Silent, in agreement in all the places I wanted to be backed up on my thoughts and frustrations. My sister prayed with me and suddenly my heart finally felt peace. From the moment I walked into my parents house that night I felt an inner rage, my heart was tense and angry and I did everything in my own power to make it go away but nothing helped but prayer.
I came back in and those that looked concerned I gave hugs to and let them know I was doing much better. People did care. I was just so angry no one knew how to approach me. Sadly no one knew how to approach me to help. I love my church family. They are like my immediate family. I felt loved in return. Dale was the tenderest of them all, he was so concerned and expressed how he doesn’t like to see me so upset. I almost started crying all over again.
Why is it that we can feel so alone sometimes in a room full of people that love you? I love writing. This is not where this post was going when I sat down to write it out, but it’s where it went. Writing is very therapeutic for me. I understand this may be a bit more “real” then people are used to from me but I’ve been on a kick of being uncharacteristically honest with some people.
I found out once that an ex of Sam’s found my blog and called me emotionally unstable after reading it. (This is of course when Sam and I were dating) I was always wondering how she could think so since I write from the heart and most people would agree they have felt something similar to what I’ve shared above. I usually don’t write when I’m sad anymore. I never like to focus on those feelings. But tonight I needed to work through some thoughts. It’s now almost 2am, I really should be in bed.
Oh but the night hasn’t even begun to be explained! After “miracle worker” Rachel helped me I found myself rejuvenated to help others. To care again about how or what they are going through. It’s not that I want it always to be about me, it’s just that sometimes the people I’m there for aren’t meant to be there for me. Eh, I’m still working through all the thoughts. Not too sure where this is all going to go. But the night went on as if nothing happened. All the strain, the pressure of pushing the emotions down, was lifted. I was my usual jovial self.
I stayed the latest and spent some time talking with my friend Brandie but when my mom was heading to bed I realized it was time to head out. Some friends from my wannabe goth days were having a Christmas party and really wanted me to stop by. I had already said yes prior to this insanely emotionally draining evening, so I decided to make an appearance. It does feel at times you walk through a portal of time, but time that allows the people in it to age. Hehe I walked in and felt at home! I haven’t seen some of these guys in years! Joe and Ericka made me feel so welcome. I was even thrown into a gift exchange without having brought any gifts! They bring extras apparently! I took a few pics, caught up on everyone’s happenings and then made my way home at a bit after midnight, which was much longer then I expected. I left actually thankful I made the stop.
And now since I took some time to look through the pics it’s nearing 3am! I must go to sleep even if tomorrow is Saturday! I have a lot to do tomorrow!
It's been (and will be) a full week. The holidays always make for a chaotic schedule. But it's full of fun! Right now I'm struggling to focus because the pain from my cramps is a bit overwhelming. bleh... (One reason I dislike being a woman)
So Monday I had to make a quick detour to Redlands for a Christmas present for Heidi which sadly my mom let the cat out of the bag when I called for advice. So Heidi now knows what she's getting from me for Christmas, oh well. As I was driving there my friend Tracy called. He was heading up to Victorville to pick up a check from a client so we decided to meet up at Starbucks. He and I usually meet down in Ontario so it felt odd meeting him locally. I rarely get to hang out with any of my Rancho friends up in Victorville. Who would want to? ;) hehe
Last night I met up with Jerry at his place. He's been really busy with his project (I'm going to check with him to confirm I can share it) and I have been helping out as much as I can. I was pleasantly surprised I was able to spend any time hangin’ out with him before the holidays! It wasn't a late night. I was heading home by 8:30. At dinner I asked him about the direction I should take my photography. He has a lot of great ideas, almost to a fault; (being the nice friend that I am hehe) I decided to pick his brain, even if he is fully submersed in his current project which seems to be taking off like wildfire! In the last week so much has moved forward, it's exciting to watch it come together for him. He's got a great head for business and money. I know I can learn a lot from him.
As I was driving home he called me with an idea for a direction I can take my photography! What can I say? He's that good. ;) hehe I took some time last night and thought it through. I have to find out if I'm serious enough to do what it takes to get it done. I'm young enough. I don't want to waste any more time. I just don't know if I want to give up my life outside of a full time job to devote to an additional business. I know Jerry has that kind of passion and drive; I'm just not sure if I do. This was my one concern about taking the first step forward. I've talked to a couple people about it and I may just do it.
I guess there is a fear that's causing me to hesitate. I'm unsure if my photography has that special edge. I love taking pictures! But are my pictures that special or unique? And some people suggest wedding photography, or pet photography and stuff along those lines, but just like every profession there are different fields/genres and they are definitely not what I like or even what I'm good at! Either way I'm still contemplating it. I'd appreciate anyone's input. Jerry says that if I haven't taken steps toward this concept by the time he returns after the holidays he'll be extremely disappointed. hehe I guess it's the perfect time for this reflection being that it's the time of year for New Years Resolutions, a fresh start, a whole new year to dream up a new direction for my life.
Candlelight Service - So I just got back from the candlelight service at The Place. It was nice. I love my family tradition of the Christmas story with the candle in the darkness. I will definitely pass that one onto my kids. Sadly we didn’t have a children’s performance because the lack of kids that were going to be able to make it tonight. But it was a nice service none-the-less.
Alliance Dinner - Tomorrow night some of us from Alliance are going out to dinner. Joshua isn’t going and no matter how much of a guilt trip I try to give him he doesn’t seem fazed. hehe But Mike is going so I’ll finally get to meet his wife! I’m looking forward to that. Here's a group shot of our Christmas Potluck at the Office.
Meeting with James - So my good friend James is coming down from northern Cali this week and we're meeting up for lunch Friday. Some of you may remember him, he’s the one I've known for years online and we met in person for the first time earlier this year!
He's a cutie and such a rockstar! Check him out! He's the bald one on the right playing the guitar.
The Place's Christmas Party - Friday night I’ve got to rush up the hill for the Christmas party at my parents place for the church. It should be fun. I haven’t decided if I’m dressing up or going casual. It’s an ornament exchange so I bought the cute little snow globe ornament from Starbucks that way if I end up with it I’ll be happy!
Victorville Motors Christmas Party - I went to Andie's company Christmas Party last Saturday and had an absolute blast! I haven't let loose like that in a LONG time! They had a great atmosphere, awesome DJ and Andie's coworkers are a lot of fun!
Beginning of the evening
Being silly
Getting Crazy
No Comment
They had a young lion and tiger there as well as the monkey from Pirates of the Caribbean, Night at the Museum and Ross’s pet on Friends. I got my picture taken with him and he was such a sweet little thing! I was standing there and he was doing what monkeys do, climb all over. They made me take off my glasses because he’d most likely grab them. When the handler called him back he looked at me, then the handler and then gave me a hug! I swear the entire line “awh’d”! It was precious. Then he looked at me and started talking and singing. The picture I kept was the one where he’s talking to me. It was one of the most memorable moments of the evening.
And I’m changing my rule; I’m going to post a picture or two on my blogs at least. Then I’ll upload them all to my album, hopefully in a reasonable amount of time. I know I never even shared pics of Montana! If you’re on myspace you’re lucky cause then you’ve at least seen those pictures.
Random/Misc. Stuff - My friend Kristen filled one of these out so I’m sharing my results.
Wow! What a productive weekend! I’ve accomplished so much! I’m exhausted but it feels good to have so much done. I have a lot more to do and I think I’m going to tell all my friends I’m unavailable in the evenings until I accomplish everything. And at this point I have nothing scheduled this week other then crashing Drew and Heather’s place Tuesday night. I guess crashing isn’t the right word since they know about it huh?
I’m currently looking at a purty new flat screen monitor that my brother is “storing” for a client. Basically it’s permanently placed in my brothers keeping and he decided to be nice and let me use it! Yay!
So Russ called and pulled me away from this post. We've been playing phone tag since his birthday so two (plus) hours later I’m heading off to bed. I’ll finish this post tomorrow...
Well it's Monday. The dreaded Monday. I had a hard time being at work today. I knew with everything I did over the weekend it would be hard to start a new week without having really gotten a chance to relax. I was also up later then I should have been talking to Russ but I was enjoying the conversation.
So I just looked back and I didn't explain anything about the Christmas potluck last Monday. If only all Mondays were that fun! I took a few pictures but the main one is a group shot. Again I’m going to have to post pictures later.
Last week was ok, though I found myself pretty bored of the mundane by Thursday morning and the rest of my day I was not a happy camper.
Friday night I went over to Rachel's and a bunch of us girls made Christmas cards! I haven't done handmade cards in a LONG time! It was A LOT of fun! I was actually surprised. But realistically I'm surprised I haven't thought to do it sooner, my joy in graphics is all about the layout. Making cards worked great with that!
Saturday I went Christmas shopping with Rachel in the morning, went to the grocery store after that and then Andie came over that night. My cousin Joey called to ask me if I wanted to make Christmas candy with her and I told her I'd be right over (wink, wink since she lives in Co. and all, it makes it a bit impossible to just drop right by, as much as I wish I could!). She suggested I go to the store and pick up the ingredients for the best fudge ever and gave me the directions for how to make it if I wanted to make it with her. I decided to hold off and pick up the stuff to make it after church. It was sweet that she called and I was really happy to get a new recipe to try out.
Sunday after church I went to pick up the stuff to make the fudge and when I got home I sat and relaxed for a bit but then decided it was the night to make a dinner for Brian, Mike and I as well as try this new fudge. I started with the fudge so it could set. Then I cooked dinner, one of my first! I made the pampered chefs taco ring. Mike and Brian both really liked it. :) Since Mike is a self proclaimed trash compactor his opinion was valued but not as highly as my ultra picky brother's opinion. Both said it was really good. I even baked a cake! It was a full day of cooking. Mike was nice enough to be on cleanup duty. And even later I took out the Christmas stuff and decorated the living room while cleaning along the way!
Yup... good weekend!
*Another break from my post…* I'm just getting home from going to dinner with Barbara. She's left me thinking about a lot of things and has challenged me to do something I wasn't thinking needed to be done. Thanks a lot! We'll see where it goes and how it turns out. Wish me luck!
This brings me back! Thanks Rach! With the way I'm feeling today it's nice to get away from current life and go back to what *seems* like an easier time.
I’ve had a fairly productive weekend. Saturday I was able to clean the kitchen (which really needed it), do the photo shoot of Misty’s family and the shoot for Poet Sky. I hadn’t done laundry since before my trip to Montana so I caught up on that. Today after church and a much needed nap, I cleaned my bathroom and organized the pictures from the photo shoots so that I can give them the best shots. I still need to clean my room and decorate for Christmas but I figure that can be done little by little during the week. I am still not 100% which is part of the reason I desperately needed a nap, I felt I was overdoing it a bit.
Alliance Christmas Potluck - Tomorrow we’re having the Alliance Christmas Potluck. We opted out of a Christmas party this year since we were told it meant more money on our bonus checks if we didn’t. I will make sure to take pictures. The office was decorated last week and it looks really nice. If I don’t get any decorations up at my place I won’t feel bad cause I have plenty of twinkle lights at the office to make up for the lack at home. And pretty much I spend more time at the office then I do at my own place!
Montana - Man I want to share about my trip to Montana but I’m just not sure I have the energy to go into an obnoxiously long post. I’ll do my best to sum up. I wrote about getting to my Cousin Joey’s place in Colorado at about 2am Tuesday night (or I should say Wednesday morning).
11.21.07 - The next morning we woke up at 7 to get back on the road. We got on the road at about 9am and got up to my grandparents place around 6:30pm. There was one section of road that was pretty icy. I was with my cousin Joey and her girls and my sister was driving the truck with my brother and her kids. She lost control and spun out. It was pretty freaky and amazing that no damage was done! They turned completely three times and ended up on the outer bank of the frontage road facing the correct direction and were able to just start driving again. The amazing thing is within a couple of miles my cousin and I saw (no exaggeration!) 15-20 cars unable to recover from their loss of control on the ice! God was definitely watching over Heidi.
It was quite the site to walk into my grandparents place and see all the great grandkids running around playing. It was the epitome of chaos but it was awesome! (The once-in-a-lifetime kind of chaos) I was so thankful to see Shawn and his family there. After our hellos and hanging out for a bit we were assigned the locations we were going to be staying. Brian and I were going to be staying with my cousin Clint, Joey and her kids were joining us. Heidi and the kids were staying with my cousin Kerri. Shawn and his family already claimed my Aunt Darlene’s place. And my parents were going to be staying with my grandparents.
11.22.07 – Thanksgiving Day – My cousin Joey had arranged for she and I to volunteer at a soup kitchen but they had enough volunteers for serving food but needed people to deliver meals, so she and I went as planned but Kerri and Heidi joined us to keep us company and because Kerri knew the location better then Joey. It was quite an interesting experience and if I felt like it I would go into our experiences at a couple of the drops. We made 9 stops and were back to Clint’s place in perfect timing for dinner.
Clint’s place was the only place big enough to fit all the family and I know he wanted to show the place off! Rightfully so, he has a great place! I was thoroughly impressed he was able to decorate himself! It’s not the typical bachelor pad at all! We had great food. Even had snowball fights. Brenda pointed out that Shawn seems to enjoy picking on me. He got me pretty good.
When everyone started to head out, the girls were planning how to tackle the shopping the next morning. I’ve never been one to do the day-after Thanksgiving shopping but it’s a tradition for them so I tag along for the ride. Either way we were going through the paper and all the different specials and planned our route. I didn’t get to bed till midnight but Joey and I were told to be up and ready by 4:45 am!
11.23.07 – Day after thanksgiving shopping – It was Kerri, Heidi, Brenda, Joey and myself all packed into my grandpa’s Jimmy as we took off for our first stop. Even being there when it opened wasn’t enough. The main item on our list was already sold out. But without boring you all with details our shopping didn’t take as long as we expected! The lines were reasonable and the stores organized. The longest wait was at Target. We were done with our shopping by about 10 or 11am! We decided to stop and get brunch.
Sam’s Call - After brunch I was shocked to see Sam on my caller id. He called to tell me he had proposed to Sara. I was immediately thankful he called me! In one of our chats I had asked him to tell me so I wouldn’t find out by someone else. He told me the details of how he proposed. I was genuinely happy for him! I knew it was a matter of time and they seem like a great fit. The call was pleasant and I kept feeling so grateful that our friendship has stayed intact to this level.
It wasn’t till I went back to the table and told my sister I could use a hug that emotions started to arise. I wasn’t sure where they were coming from. I got teary eyed. I know I gave a part of my heart to Sam, and I believe that part was mourning. I didn’t have time to address the emotions because we were on the way back out. I expected that I stuffed the emotions and would have to revisit them later. When I took the time revisit them, I was surprised that I wasn’t emotional. And if I think about it, 4 hours of sleep and a hectic morning might have been the only reason tears of any kind were shed! I mean even now I am so very happy for him.
Heidi’s job - After we got back from shopping we had no time to relax and catch up on much needed sleep. Heidi was set to do everyone’s hair at Darlene’s place. The house was full and busy but it was good. I got my second wind and had a fairly decent night.
11.24.07 - Portraits - I was able to sleep till a normal time this day. I took my time getting ready since we had to be dressy for the family portrait. Clint, Brian and I just had to be down at the coop by noon for pictures and the surprise party was immediately afterwards. I helped my aunt finish up some of the last minute stuff for the party when I got there. A couple family members were late so the pictures didn’t start on time. The photographer noticed my camera and apparently I had a better model then he had! Hehe He seemed impressed and even asked to take pictures with my camera as well as his. He said my camera was the Cadillac of cameras and his was a cheaper model. I can’t remember which car he referred to his as, something like a dodge neon. So we got a family portrait. 36 of us total! Crazy!
Grandpa’s Surprise 90th birthday party – The party was a John Deere theme of course. It was setup where we took our pictures so all my grandpa thought was that he was going to the coop for pictures but once he got there he saw the setup. Because of the late start with the pictures people were arriving before we were done. The party was a success and I could tell my grandpa felt special.
After the party and the cleanup we went back to my grandparent’s farm to watch him open his presents. The sun hadn’t completely set so I rushed around to get some shots of the farm. My grandparents have been talking about moving into an assisted living place for the last couple of years and we’re not sure how much longer they are going to be at the farm.
Once we got through the gifts we realized grandpa needed some rest and it was our last night there so we decided to go to the movies. The kids all wanted to see “Enchanted” and I can’t lie, I actually thought it would be interesting to see. Joey, Nate and Bailey chose to go see Fred Claus but the rest of us went to Enchanted. It was cute. Again I got to bed at midnight and had to be packed and on the road by 4:30 am!
11.25.07 - Brian and I were on the road by 4:30! I was impressed. We had to drive over to Kerri’s place to pick up Heidi and the kids. We were 1 mile from our exit when a deer jumped out from the left and we hit it! I remember it feeling like both sets of tires ran over it. It happened so fast! I could hear something dragging and I was afraid to find out it was part of the deer. So we pulled over and Brian went to check it out and I stayed just in case it was a bloody mess… Brian’s mouth dropped open when he looked at the damage and told me to come out. I tried to open the door but it was jammed shut!
We weren’t sure what to do so we drove the couple miles to my cousin’s place to come up with a game plan. I crawled through the driver’s side and saw that the wheel well was what was dragging as we drove. The whole front right side was totaled! And no sign of blood but a tiny little bit of hair. We got inside and Brian decided to try to get in touch with his insurance company and also the highway patrol so they could write up a report for insurance purposes. We weren’t sure if we were going to be able to drive it home or what! My cousin Joey and her family stopped by on their way back to Colorado and said they couldn’t see a deer anywhere on the side of the road. Nate is a mechanic so he checked out the truck and said it looked drivable. We slept on and off waiting for call backs from the police and insurance people. The police ended up not coming because we left the scene. Brian’s insurance wasn’t available since it was Sunday. So my dad, grandpa, and Uncle Tom stopped by to help clean up and make it drivable. Before we knew it, it was noon!
At about 2:30 we decided to go visit our grandparents. Brian and I were talking and decided that it might be best to leave that night. Our only concern was that with only one headlight we would be more likely to get pulled over. Brian not having a valid driver’s license meant I would have to pull off the night driving. I’ve been on long road trips but not usually behind the wheel. I felt confident so I agreed to do it. We got on the road at about 7:30pm. I was a little panicked for the first 3 hours of the drive because we were in prime deer area and I kept reliving the deer that morning jumping out with no time to react. I only had one headlight but the sky was clear and there was a full moon. I could actually see the deer grazing which helped in some ways, in others it just made me more paranoid of them jumping out at me! Hehe Apparently hitting the deer impacted me because I started to see things after a while. But in the prime deer spots I would just pray in my tongue the whole time. I had a bit of tense driving through Yellowstone. The temp got as low as 5 degrees and the roads were icy in spots.
I got pulled over twice. After I explained the situation they were cool. One guy in Idaho said I was also speeding, going 73 in a 65 zone. Luckily he was cool and didn’t give me a ticket. I drove straight through till 2:30am and then asked Heidi if she could take over for a little bit so I could rest my eyes. She was only able to pull 2 hours before she had to have me take over again. So I got back on the road at 4:30 till about 6:30 when the sun was coming up and Brian took over and I slept. Heidi took over from Vegas on and we got home about 1pm!
There you have it… Our adventures to, from and in Montana!
It’s late. I have more to write but I really need to get to sleep, and besides this is already a long post. Night!
