These are my thoughts; though they may be public domain, please have enough respect and understand that they are mine and are not for the use of your own deviant agenda.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
A taste of Hell Week
She stared at the office door… Took a deep breath and forced a smile on her face before swiping her security badge. She chuckled to herself at the pathetic attempt to fake enthusiasm and almost couldn’t bring herself to push the door open. Another deep breath as the door swung open into “hell“. Immediately she felt the stare, more like glare, of her supervisor. Attempting a smile which turned out to be more like a smirk, said good morning, suddenly regretting the decision to come into work a little late since she stayed so late the night before. There was tension in the air. Chaos really. The busy hum of everyone running around frantic. She tried to listen to the conversations of her coworkers, to see if she could make out what all was going on. Finally she stopped one of them to ask them what happened only to find out everyone had been called in early to help with the “situation“…
This is what happened when I walked into work Friday morning. In fact, I was having such a rough morning on the way into work I put in worship music to try to help my attitude. Looking back I think it was God’s way of preparing me for what lied ahead.
I struggled to give over my heart to Him as I worshipped on the way to work. I listened to the words of the worship songs and hoped that my attitude would truly reflect the words that were sung. I finally stopped and asked just that, to change my heart, I knew it was a decision, and it took action. I tried smiling, sure it was strained but eventually it would turn into a genuine smile, it had to. I pulled into my parking spot at work and leaned my head back against my seat staring at the roof of my car. A song then came on… “Draw Me Close to You”
Draw me close to you Never let me go I lay it all down again To hear you say that I'm your friend
Help me find a way to bring me back to you
[Chorus:] You're all I want, You're all I've ever needed You're all I want, Help me know you are near
You are my desire No one else will do Cause no one else Can take you place To feel the warmth of Your embrace
Help me find a way to bring me back to you
[Chorus:] You're all I want, You're all I've ever needed You're all I want, Help me know you are near
Phrases like “ help me find a way to bring me back to you”, “ Help me know you are near”, “you are my desire” all were truth. I waited till the song was over before getting out of my car. I took a deep breath and said to myself that I could do it, I’d make it through the day, that things wouldn’t always stay like this at work… This is all before the description of what took place in the first paragraph! Tell me that wasn’t designed by God. Can you imagine if I hadn’t taken the time to cry out to God, how I would have handled walking into hell that morning? As it was I was almost immediately overwhelmed by the wave of tension that hit me when the door to my office opened. The phrase “help me know that you are near” repeated in my mind as I walked to my desk to face whatever catastrophe that we were faced with at work. For a moment I questioned God but almost moments after the questions I realized that He had given me strength to face this day.
I had a payroll training class to conduct. It was a special request from a new merchant to be trained on Friday rather then the normal days payroll training is done. I was concerned it would have to be cancelled with all the chaos but my supervisor expected me to go ahead as planned. I felt bad but the glare I had received earlier had softened. My supervisor hadn’t gone home from the day before. After the shock of learning the events that took place to cause the confusion and chaos in the office I was told I wasn’t called to come in early just because of how far away I live and they knew I would be there eventually. I felt horrible but luckily was not made to feel it by anyone in the office.
I was given a huge blessing, I was able to walk away from the chaos, shut myself into the conference room to conduct the training class for two hours with three of the brightest, friendliest people I’ve ever had to work with in training! I felt Gods hand in everything I dealt with throughout the day in the same magnitude. My coworkers complained of dealing with rude, aggressive merchants out for blood. And everyone I worked with, even in regards to the drama were all very pleasant and understanding. I couldn’t help but *know* He was near.
Big Mouth Strikes Again - So I just got home from a nice evening out with a couple of my coworkers. It was a lot of fun and yet I left feeling like the title of this blog… “Big Mouth Strikes Again” Why oh why couldn’t I be the quiet type? Keep my mouth shut at the appropriate times. I just got done reading Pride & Prejudice again (great book!) and this morning I thought to myself… Am I Lydia Bennett the foolish, flirty younger sister, or am I Elizabeth Bennett the endearing, good humored girl that everyone likes? I have decided I’m a bit of both… But there are times, like tonight, where I feel solely like Lydia.
Anyways, I left tonight frustrated that I said too much. And oddly one of the people I was with is a self proclaimed big mouth as well. He said some things that made me annoyed with myself. Something came out of my mouth and as soon as it did I realized, oh crap, why did I say that? Why did I just confess that out loud to these two people? Part of me doesn’t have an issue with honesty. I have learned to deal with personal matters head on, specifically back in elementary school when I was forced to address a situation face to face rather then try to pretend that it didn’t exist. I believe the outcome to this one particular past event made me handle most awkward moments with honesty, especially when it comes to my feelings of romantic interests. Maybe a bit more honesty then is healthy to profess. And in most moments I realize, some people respect forbearance, people who can keep their secrets to themselves, and there are others that admire openness and vulnerability. I have noticed I admire people who can keep thoughts to themselves. I guess part of me longs to be that way myself. Another part knows that’s just not who I am. And if people have an issue with it, that’s there problem.
I’m afraid of giving the impression that the people I was with tonight made me feel guilty for being open. This is not the case. I just sometimes am more sensitive to my big mouth. I regret saying some of the things I said. In regards to myself I mostly do not mind, it was in regards to someone else that the guilt festers. Maybe that’s my biggest issue. I shared some things that I probably shouldn’t have taken the liberty of sharing. Alas, what’s done is done. What’s said has been said.
Blah!
I sometimes wonder what my friends think of me. Do they overlook my sometimes poor decorum? Do they think, ah that’s just Charity running with her mouth again? (Dear Lord, I hope with everything in me that has never been thought or said of me, but sadly I cannot say there is no chance that it has or will be.) I guess they wouldn’t be very good friends if they didn’t overlook my flaws. I love my friends, poor judgments and all! I sometimes wonder if my boisterous personality is part of the reason I have yet to stay in a relationship for very long. Is that honesty and openness not enough of a challenge for them that they lose interest so easily? I’m not much of a mystery. I envy those people who aren’t an open book like I tend to be. Anyways lets not make this about boys, these are just some of my thoughts.
More whining about sickness - I am tired. I’m ready for bed. Last night was a long night! I haven’t been feeling very well the last couple of weeks, as my blogs have confessed. I’m actually very tired of being sick. This weekend was no exception. I was still fighting my cold. I found myself dragging Saturday morning. My stomach touchy that night when I went out to dinner with some of the old linkLINE crew. It was so awesome to hang out with those guys again! (random blurb)I will say this for linkLINE, some really good friendships came out of it. I was hesitant to become friends with anyone at Alliance for the longest time because of the pain of losing my job at linkLINE. But since have discovered some great friends at Alliance as well. Though I’m not sure if the friendships are such that if I were to lose my job tomorrow we’d still get together. But who really knows until it happens right? (/random blurb)
Anyways, Sunday after church I really just wasn’t feeling up to par. I laid in bed most of the day reading. That evening though my stomach decided it wasn’t happy with me. I knew something was wrong and sure enough maybe a half an hour later … I threw up. I haven’t thrown up like that since my elementary school years! It was crazy. Yes, I’m aware this is probably TMI. I just couldn’t believe it. It was funny I actually looked up from the sink and was cognizant of the fact that my face really did look green.
My eyes are closing on me. Guess that’s a good sign it’s time to crawl into bed.
Being sick blows! I've lost my voice. It started yesterday morning and kept getting worse. This morning I was like a squeaker that lost its squeak randomly when you squeezed it. It's crazy. Everyone I talk to is surprised by how bad I sound. I felt like crap this morning. I was up getting ready for work. I had an early morning Payroll Training class that I was supposed to conduct. With my voice I knew there was no way I was going to be able to do it. I thought I'd try to at least go to work. But after getting ready I thought for sure I was going to pass out. It sucks! I slept for a few hours and am feeling better but my voice is still not functioning. I'm surprised every time I try and talk at the sound, or lack there of, coming out of my mouth.
Anyways, I'm bored to death. I don't have enough energy to do anything productive. I've watched everything I could want to watch and then some. I'm not sure what to do with myself. I figured I could finally blog an update on what's going on in my life. But thinking about it, lately it's been work and being sick. Nothing else is really going on. I bought the Twilight series and had it delivered to my work and sadly they arrived yesterday after I left. Right now, a good book sounds like a nice distraction. The weather is nice and cloudy. Perfect for curling up on the couch with a good book. I guess I can go find something in my library to pick up again. I've been in the mood to reread Pride & Prejudice. I guess I can start that.
I've been on kind of a downer with my photography since I dropped my camera at the OURS show in December. My camera has worked ok ever since but there are obvious signs something’s wrong. And since I can't really afford to buy a whole new camera I've been avoiding taking it in to see what the real damage is. I know if I go and find that its just the lens then I would be thrilled. But when something makes me scared I tend to procrastinate until I can't procrastinate anymore. The bummer is, I would never feel comfortable taking my camera out on a paying shoot. So I need to take care of it.
Anyways, I'm going to go enjoy some quiet time. Hopefully my voice will be back for work tomorrow.
This so isn't fair... I was sick... goodness, like a week or two ago and this morning I woke up to yet another cold! what da eff?! And I'm someone that rarely gets sick. What sucks is that it's been like 80 degrees down in Ontario all last week and it's like 20 degrees cooler up in the desert. Hmmm no wonder I'm sick. My body isn't able to adjust to the extremes. I don't look forward to driving down the pass tomorrow with an already stuffed up head. That's the worst! And to top off having a cold, I was totally nauseous all day! I have no idea why. I started to feel better when I got some food in me but my stomach has been touchy even through the evening. Bleh!
Anyways, there have been lots of good things going on since my last blog post. It’s hard for me to take the time to go over it now. But I will say this. Thank you to those of you who responded to the post before via one medium or another. I'm doing MUCH better. God showed me a lot this last week and confirmed it over this extended weekend.
But because of the time I'm gonna post some pics of my AAP Celebration outing.
Kaycee and Stephanie
Jena and Margarita
Jena, me and Tina (with Eric trying to sneak in looking oh so macho in the back)
Mike, Cindy, Eric and Mike #2 aka Tom
Jody, me and Mike
Me and my brother Brian
I love this pic! Mike, me and Keith lol
Sheri, me and Hector
Brian and Andie
Keith, Andie and Mike (look how short she looks next to them lol) waiting to go in for bowling
Mike and me at the bowling ally
The group that went bowling - Mike, Crystal, Andie, Sheri and Keith
Last night I finally went out for my AAP Certification Celebration. :) I had a blast! Of course, who wouldn't when the entire night is centered around their accomplishment! haha! Honestly I just figured it was a good excuse to go out with coworkers and enjoy them outside of the office. :) It was pretty awesome, but more about the night later.
On a fairly personal note, this week I went through a little patch of discouragement. Feeling farther from God then I've been in a long time, I felt like I was falling away and even worse, didn't care to fight to get back on track. I shared this with my mom, who was supportive and awesome as usual. It was tough.
I realize lately that my better friends aren't very good examples of what a Christ-like walk is, and the friends that are good examples I've pulled away from, tired of their seeming self-righteous judgments. Now, looking back, part of me wonders if they were self-righteous at all or was it just my own personal guilt that made me feel judged. I'm not sure.
I have a lot of non-Christian friends. Lately they have been the friends I lean on most. With that though, their perspectives are quite different then mine. Usually their views and beliefs don't impact me. But in a way, I felt like my perspective about right and wrong was being tainted (for lack of a better word).
But that being said, it was a non-Christian friend that helped me snap out of this desire to turn away from trying to walk the Christ-like walk. It was a simple statement which I'm not going to share but it changed my perspective from despair to encouragement. I had mentioned my lack of interest in doing what was right and wishing I could be fully selfish and live my own life following after things that aren't centered around God but around my desires. He stated more then asked the question of allowing myself to be influenced by my non-Christian friends. I have to admit that yes, sometimes I do let my friends influence me more then they should.
It wasn't until later on in the day that I noticed our chat had impacted my view of the situation. I no longer felt that the decision to turn around was so far off. And in fact, I think the decision was made as soon as we had the chat.
The thing is, I'm not perfect, I can't expect perfection. Yes, striving for perfection is all God asks of us. So, I'm striving. I will stumble. I will stop. I will sit down. I will wander. But I will always go back. Why? Because there is no question of what I believe. I love the Lord with all my heart. I want HIS will for my life, not my own.
Once the decision was made, I didn't feel like there was so much pressure to do the right thing. Interesting huh? Like I was so worried that my choices were impacting my very future that I was feeling overwhelmed and didn't want to have to make decisions. When I realized that no matter what, God would work things out for the good of those that love Him, then even if I stumble, stop, sit down, or wander it would always be worked out. Sure there may be consequences.
This song "The Worst Things Beautiful" by OURS just came on and it's quite fitting for this part of my post.
So I'll wake every moment, wake with the sun Were the worst things always the first things to come? Find a way to move on and a way to be strong Cause somethings do change, well somethings come and Made the worsts things beautiful
Wait... till the morning comes around Wait... for something beautiful Wait ...see if worry turns around Wait....please wait
So sometimes the worst things can be made into beautiful things. Enough venting... I think that's it for this post. :)
